Scratchy

I used to have a really good power of restraint. I quit drinking soda cold turkey when I was 16, and didn't look back until I needed to mix it with alcohol, four years later. I stopped eating pork the following year and haven't had a taste since, and I've rarely even been tempted. I had the willpower of Catherine of Siena (or probably all of the saints, it's just she's the one I know most about), and I took pride in not doing what most people couldn't resist.

But that has since faded. Numerous attempts to control my eating and diet have lasted less than a week, as once I get the idea in my head that I want ice cream (and it happens several times a day), it is impossible to destroy, but can only occasionally be postponed.

So now I've met a new temptation: moving my leg. The ER nurse told me not to flex a single muscle in my leg. Well I'm very aware of my leg muscles, and I can flex four per/leg independently of all the others, so as soon as I took to my crutches I informed him of where I couldn't help but flex. So he corrected it: don't bend my knee. The muscles in my leg are like sponges, and they can't be sewn back together but instead must be forced near each other so they can re-fuse. Bending my knee too early would rip apart all the new sinews or tissues or whatever that have been built as part of the recovery process.

It was no problem for the first week. I had, for a few activities, needed to bend my leg slightly--it was impossible to avoid. What I found, however, was that I was physically unable to bend my leg beyond 135 degrees. So, fine. No risk there, no problem at all. But then, this weekend, I discovered a new temptation. When sitting or laying idle, I have the habit of flexing my said four isolated muscles. I'll just briefly move through them, the quad, the hamstring, the outer thigh, the glute. These are all above the knee, so most are just fine. But my flexing of my quad muscle happens below my wound, so it's a no-no. But it's in my head! The right side did it! It's a figurative itch that I have to scratch, for balance's sake. So, just a little bit here and there, I've been sneaking a flex. Just a little one, nothing that I feel like is doing any harm to the wound. It's certainly not bending my knee, so it's okay. It's just a puff, and I'm not inhaling. So no biggie; I've found a loophole and it doesn't compromise my healing.

But then, starting Sunday, I have a new, much worse itch. I toss and turn in my sleep and I'm accustomed to bending my knees in almost every position. I'm just used to moving my legs around a lot. Even when I'm seated, I shift frequently so as to give my legs a little movement. So it started to work my neurosis that I haven't bent my knee much at all. Then it hit me: we bend our knees hundreds, perhaps thousands of times a day, and I've only done it about four times a day, to a much lesser degree. It's like being told you can't blink but once every hour. It's impossible!

It's in my head now, and it has not been helped by events: I noticed that now my knee is capable of bending further. I haven't done anything, but I no longer felt resistance when I moved it slightly to sit on the toilet. It's possible now. It's possible and it seems like a necessity. The thoughts are in my head and some part of my brain has decided I need to move my knee. I'm putting it off as well as I can, promising that part that I will be at liberty to move it as much as I want soon, but I know it can only be delayed so long.

I'm seeing my doctor tomorrow morning. I am hoping that he is impressed with the healing process, that because my body is accustomed to building muscle and because I've been such a good and careful boy, he will determine that I can move it a bit more here and there. I don't expect full mobility or full range of motion. I still have 19 stitches in the thing--I know I'm going to be laid up and out of action for a while. But please, PLEASE, Doctor. Satisfy my urge!