12:15

My doctor is so nervous. It's weird going to the doctor and having him be more nervous than you are. Not that I'm regularly nervous about it in the first place, but still. He's nervous. Nervous nervous nervous.

I'm getting my stitches out on Friday. If my leg looks good. But my legs always look good.

The last time I had anyone identify me as his/her "best friend" was Marie, during sophomore year. And even though I liked her and was glad to be there for her, she was much too needy and I never felt like the friendship was reciprocal enough for me to reciprocate with best friend status. I guess that means that my last true best friend was Dale, in fifth grade. But I don't think we ever really used the term, so I don't know if he would have applied it to me (he was very aggressively competitive with me and so maybe he didn't see me as a best friend). So the last person I called my best friend who also called me his best friend was Justin Stanley, for a few months in second grade. We were generally known as best friends throughout school, and you couldn't think of one of us without thinking of the other. But then there was that weird set-up thing, where Sarah claimed that Justin admitted that he was really just using me (I don't know that, as seven year-olds, we really knew what that meant). I wouldn't really put much stock in that, except for the fact that Justin invited me to his going away party at the very last minute, only after someone else canceled. So we might have been best friends, but it really only lasted for a very short time.

That would explain why there's a pain in my heart whenever someone says the words "best friend". I don't really know what that is. I know how it is to be one of someone's best friends, but not the single most important friend in someone's book. That would have been nice to experience. It really hurts when someone who I'm close with says "my best friend Xla," I guess because even though I never thought we were best friends, it still sucks to know they have people they value more than me.

It's probably why I've always been so lonely. I don't really know what it's like to have someone that devoted to me. I know that was an issue in both of my relationships, and I remember telling Jase I always wanted someone to choose me first. And it was a point of insecurity for me, because Jase always chose himself first, second and third. I didn't even figure in the equation. And Michael put himself first, too, and then his friend Jason was second, and then there was a world-wide tie for third.

Michael always tells me nowadays that he's thinking of me. I know it's just a thing someone says, so I never put that much thought into it, but it's kind of satisfying, now, to know that someone thinks of me so often. I've accepted (finally) that people like me, but I'm still not convinced that they are really that interested in me. I don't think anyone thinks of me very often when I'm not around, but I guess Michael does. That's really special.

Alisha's mom called me on Monday. It was really a surprise, and at first I couldn't remember who she was, and then I couldn't think of why she was calling. Oh yeah, my accident. Alisha had told her about it, and then she read my letter in the paper, and she wanted to call to tell me she was praying for me and was glad I was okay. It was kind of uncomfortable for me, because I didn't really know what to say, but once I got off the phone it really meant a lot to me. Come to think about it, she and Karen are the only ones to call me expressly to wish me well following my accident. That's not to say it's the only source of comfort, because I've gotten a few texts and emails, and lots more communications through Facebook. And Ashley came and hung out with me when she heard, and I appreciate all those things. I think you're supposed to be able to tell who your true friends are in a situation like this. I don't know if that's just a cliche or if I'm an exception, but this has only muddied the waters.

It's a vicious cycle, I guess. The more I start being down, the less on my game I am about being in touch with people. And the less I'm in touch with people, the less their in touch with me. And the less people are in touch with me, the more down I get. I'm going to need a big shovel.

I don't know where this came from, really. I was 100% nothing but positive from the time they put me in the ambulance until some time Thursday evening. Everything was grand. I guess it's easy to fall.

Sometimes I think it would be fun to convert to being nocturnal. Just for a few weeks--you know, just right now, while there's nothing but TV for me during the day. It would probably make me much more productive, if I spent my TV hours sleeping, and my sleep hours not being about to watch TV, considering the state of TV at 3 am. I could get some good work done, but maybe I'd just find a new video game.

City Year application is almost done. It's pretty much my one and only ticket out of Tirana.