I didn't get it. But now I do. But it's too late to do anything about it. But that's okay.

One day in the first week of after school during my first City Year, I led a group of Mathson students in an activity. There were about ten of them--more than half of our program at the time--and they were about what you'd expect from a group of 6th and 7th graders: sullen, quiet, disinterested and often disruptive. We had tried to do a few things with them that week but they weren't into it; they didn't like our games, and all they did was complain about how awful our program was.

So I decided that I should turn the tables. If they hated what we did, what would they rather do? I just had them all sit down in a circle and I asked them real simple questions, like why they had come to our after school program, what did they want to get out of it, what they wanted to be when they grew up, what their best subject in school was. We went around the circle one by one and answered the questions. I pressed the shy students a bit when they didn't want to talk, but for the most part, I just asked the questions and wrote down the answers.

And then, after we had been at it for ten minutes or so, I heard one of the quietest students (a girl who I would struggle with a lot throughout the year) whisper "this is fun" to the girl next to her. I was stunned. Of course, when designing an activity for middle schoolers, this is about the strongest praise you can get, and I was certainly thrilled to hear it. But it also didn't occur to me that it might even be fun. I had designed it for my own benefit; I wanted to get ideas from them. How were they enjoying it?

That moment has stuck with me ever since, and for two and a half years, I relished it, but still didn't get it. And then, today, it clicked. It was fun because they were able to talk about themselves, to a room of their peers and an adult, and everyone had to listen. They got to say what was important to them, and what they valued and aspired to, and faced no judgment. Most adults are constantly looking for opportunities to talk about themselves; we've become very talented at using a segue to make an unrelated conversation about us. So as a trained adult, I should have realized that these kids wanted the same thing. Throughout the year I would give them the chance to speak, but only about subjects I would force on them. Tell me how this earthquake makes you feel. Tell me why joining a gang is a bad idea. If they didn't want to talk about my subjects, they would just have to sit down and shut up. But right there, in the first week of school, that student was telling me exactly what I needed to know, but would take years to realize: young people need to be listened to, and they need to be given a chance to express themselves on the topics they want to talk about.

I didn't get it. But now I do. But it's too late to do anything about it. But that's okay.