I love being gay. It's taken me a while, but I've really grown into it. It's not just that I love men, that I love being different. It's that I feel like I'm part of a culture, a member of a group, and I really like that culture. I've discovered what it means to be gay, not just homosexual, and I really love it.
But there are some things I hate about this culture. Mostly, it's the way we treat each other. We've created a hierarchy based on assimilation. For as much as we are our own people, completely distinct in culture from straight people, we still ascribe the most value to those who represent heterosexuality to us.
In my ever-increasing number of interactions with gay people over the last few years, I've noticed a few trends. "Straight-acting" is a compliment; "gay-acting" is never said, mostly because too many of us would see it as an insult. "Masculine" is a compliment, "feminine" is an insult. When a straight person says "I didn't know you were gay when I first met you," we too often take it as the compliment they ignorantly meant it to be. But it's not a compliment! There's no reason to be flattered; it's just someone mistaking you for someone you're not.
We, as a community, demean bottoms as much as we can, at every opportunity we get. If someone is accused of being a bottom, he often denies it vociferously, or at least hangs his head in shame, but no one ever gets embarrassed about being a top. Tops love to rag on bottoms, but guess what, tops: without bottoms, you all would just be a bunch of sexually frustrated, pretentious pricks.
I'm tired of it. I'm tired of us rejecting our vibrant culture and identity by scorning those who represent it most. I'm tired of us seeking to assimilate into the dominant culture. And yet, I get it. Tonight I was walking home and someone screamed "FAGGOT" out his car window at me. What was it? I was all alone, walking down an ordinary downtown street. Was it my skinny jeans, my nice jacket, my scarf? Was it the way I walked? Why had I garnered this harassment? When things like that happen, for a split second I just really want to fit in. I get upset that they figured me out, because that means I might be victim to this sort of thing. But then I realize that people like that are the very people encouraging us toward this awful mentality. Homophobia in straight people is what drives this homophobia in gay people. And our homophobia divides us, and enables straight people to go after us.
Well I've had enough. I'm not going to demean members of my community anymore. I'm not going to hate my fellow queens for being queeny. I love this community and that means loving all of its members, even from their differences.
i guess every community has its own bit of discrimination to overcome. thanks for pointing this out.
ReplyDeleteGreat post, very insightful. Love you cousin!
ReplyDelete"I love this community and that means loving all of its members, even from their differences."
ReplyDeleteWow, if only...(i'll finish this later)
1)I suppose that you are aware of the fact that there are members in 'your community' that ("...from their differences.") do not like who you are...do not accept you completely as you are.
Do you agree with this? (Note:You are not solely described by your sexual orientation, so this first premise its not limited to that characteristic.)
2)I suppose that you agree with my first supposition(1).
3)Even though you may agree, you would keep stating (and I support you):
"I love this community and that means loving all of its members, even from their differences."
I suppose that loving them has nothing to do with them loving you (because that is something you can't control).
4)I suppose it is obvious for you that the community of human beings...(a bigger community that you are also a member of)...also has the same flaw, meaning that it has members that do not accept you completely as you are. (Again... PLEASE know that this is not particularly referring to sexual orientation.)
5)If both communities have that same flaw, that not every member like every other member (in all of their aspects)....then why do you limit yourself to love only 'your community'?
I want to be clear. I am not completely ignorant to your reasons. I suppose that, consciously or subconsciously, you are a basing your judgement (solely) on how people react to 'irregular' sexual orientations...but remember...sexual orientations are not the only thing that defines human beings.
I can see from this blog that you are willing to fight against a difficult problem. That is why I warn you not to give me excuses on how difficult it is what I invite you to consider.
I'll now finish what I started:
"I love this community and that means loving all of its members, even from their differences."
Wow, if only... you realize that having that attitude for the bigger community of human beings its a better goal than only limiting yourself to love 'your community'...(just because it is fair to assume that they accept your sexual orientation)...then you could live happier...
..because to LOVE, the way you are stating, is to understand that people are different, that people do stupid things,that people judge people, that people scream offensive stuff, that people can be hurtful...but also understand that them can makes us happy.
Do not condemn the community of human beings because of those members that are homophobic...the same way you would not condemn 'your community' because of those members that make fun of you...(maybe you have not experimented that...but it doesn't mean it doesn't happen to others inside your community)
I apologize for the typo, as I wrote this late last night and that last sentence was the only thing between me and bed. It should say "even FOR their differences."
ReplyDeleteAnonymous, thank you for the comment. I want to make it clear that I am in no way condemning the greater community of humanity. I am embracing the gay community as a subgroup thereof, but that does not mean I reject those who are not members of this community.
1) Of course there are members of the gay community who do not accept other members for who they are. A particularly virulent group is exactly whom I'm addressing in this post.
2) Self-evident
3) True
4) True
5) I do not reject the human community. However, I have written this post directly to address the gay community. I hear plenty of people talking about homophobia and other forms of xenophobia (as in fear of the "other"), and doing so in much more eloquent and powerful ways than I can. But I rarely hear people address this very real issue of self-loathing within the gay community, largely because it's so prevalent and accepted. Almost all of us have even exhibited it ourselves. There were times in my life when I hated gay culture, dreaded the idea of seeming gay, and much more desired to be just homosexual (that is, to be a man in a relationship with a man, but to be otherwise assimilated into the straight lifestyle). But I see how it's wrong now, and I feel compelled to speak out about it.
I'm proud to be a gay man, and if I were to be given another life and a choice, I would choose the same. But this does not mean I'm not proud to be a human, that I do not love fellow human beings outside of my subgroup, etc.
To go a bit further, and perhaps to tread into slightly controversial territory, as a subgroup, as a suspect class, as a occasionally persecuted and victimized, extremely misunderstood group, we have to be prepared to stand together first. I have straight friends, I have gay friends, I have no problem fitting in with the heterosexual family I was raised in. I am in community with these people. But I can be members of other communities, and being part of the gay community, where I feel belonging, means making sure that this community stands together, and helping us stop bashing each other, as I see that doing this allows outsiders to do it to us. If "straight-acting" gay men bash "effeminate" gay men, we have become fractured, and it becomes easier for straight people to attack us well. I want us to stand together as a community, and not to ostracize ourselves, but be prepared to speak in one voice when others ostracize us.
ReplyDelete