I could see how you'd think my being in the living room, slightly near you, would make you think that I want to hear your every thought and listen as your narrate your life.
However, I can't see how you'd misconstrue my one-word answers or refusal to look away from my computer as encouragement to keep chattering nonsense at me.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Fail
Every time you give me the lead on something, you take it away from me.
Every time I succeed, people only tell me why I've failed.
I've been vocal about how much I've hated this experience, how under-valued I felt, how ignored and under-appreciated I've been, because I thought it might make a difference. It hasn't.
When you tell me you haven't seen me do anything to make this year better for me, I can say I have sought opportunities to lead, I have sought to be pushed into my challenge zone. And yet every time I volunteer to lead on something, every time I try to take something new on, it gets taken away from me. This is too difficult for you, this is too much work for one person, so we're going to take it off of your plate. Well you have not let me do enough work all year! How would you have any idea of what is the appropriate amount of work for me? No one has ever shown any interest in my work, no one has ever allowed me to do as much as I am capable of.
I hate blaming other people for my failings, but how can I take the blame for everyone always taking things off of my plate? Why won't they let me prove myself?
I hate it here. I wish I could quit. I wish it were over. I wish I didn't have to stay on another three weeks, every day remembering what a failure this year has been, how I haven't been able to do any of the things I've wanted to do, how I have not been trusted, respected, allowed to do anything that was of any importance. Why do I have to be reminded of my failure every day?
When you're getting a 20% in the class, you still fail even if you ace the final. I know that. I'm not deluding myself into thinking that success in a couple of little projects at the end will give me an A for the year. But why won't they let me feel like I went out with a bang?
Every time I succeed, people only tell me why I've failed.
I've been vocal about how much I've hated this experience, how under-valued I felt, how ignored and under-appreciated I've been, because I thought it might make a difference. It hasn't.
When you tell me you haven't seen me do anything to make this year better for me, I can say I have sought opportunities to lead, I have sought to be pushed into my challenge zone. And yet every time I volunteer to lead on something, every time I try to take something new on, it gets taken away from me. This is too difficult for you, this is too much work for one person, so we're going to take it off of your plate. Well you have not let me do enough work all year! How would you have any idea of what is the appropriate amount of work for me? No one has ever shown any interest in my work, no one has ever allowed me to do as much as I am capable of.
I hate blaming other people for my failings, but how can I take the blame for everyone always taking things off of my plate? Why won't they let me prove myself?
I hate it here. I wish I could quit. I wish it were over. I wish I didn't have to stay on another three weeks, every day remembering what a failure this year has been, how I haven't been able to do any of the things I've wanted to do, how I have not been trusted, respected, allowed to do anything that was of any importance. Why do I have to be reminded of my failure every day?
When you're getting a 20% in the class, you still fail even if you ace the final. I know that. I'm not deluding myself into thinking that success in a couple of little projects at the end will give me an A for the year. But why won't they let me feel like I went out with a bang?
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Taucious
Some people are named Natasha, and that's great!
Some people are named Natasha and choose to go by Tasha, and that's okay.
Some people are named Tasha, and that is NOT OKAY.
Some people are named Natasha and choose to go by Tasha, and that's okay.
Some people are named Tasha, and that is NOT OKAY.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Just when I thought I was out...
I thought I was finally escaping next Friday. Friday the 17th was supposed to be my last day, and then I had from then until Tuesday to fuck around in San Jose; looking at future apartments, seeing friends I hadn't seen in a long time, and bask in the glory of not Vacaville.
But no such luck. When he was considering joining Grey Daze, at the beginning of this year, my dad asked me whether I thought he should join. "You're already a member of two other bands, and you have a store that depends on you to work often 50 hours a week. You work Tuesday through Saturday, and sometimes Sunday as well. How are you going to find time to commit to the schedule of a third band?"
He assured me that the band was willing to work around his schedule. He mentioned that they offered to practice Monday evenings, which he would always be able to make. He was sure that double-booking himself wouldn't be the issue, he was unsure for other reasons. So he joined that band and quit one of his others. And has joined two more since.
You don't get to take off time from your regular job in order to work another paying gig. I firmly believe in that. If you're in a band, you have to work around your day job schedule. If you're in four bands and work 50 hours a week...well, you're pretty much fucked. I don't know, I'm just ranting at this point. It makes me really, really upset that I have to come back that Saturday and work at that hell hole. In fact, I'm going back to bed, because I'm depressed about it. Not only do I miss out on the thing I have most looked forward to (ie, being OUT of Vacaville, being on my own and starting my life again), but I have to do the thing I least like to do: work a stressful job that I have never been trained for and don't know how to do.
I've worked there a few times before and I understand that I'm under an obligation to help out my parents since they're putting me up free of rent. But I thought I was free! I tasted freedom!
No, I can't do it. I need to look for a new apartment that weekend. I need to hang out with Dan that weekend. It's my only chance to do either of those things. I'll be leaving for Boston the following weekend, and then Dan's leaving. If I am forced to do this, I might not be able to look at apartments until 1 August at the earliest. That's way too late for an August 20 move-in date. I can't do it. I don't know what they're going to do, but this isn't possible for me.
But no such luck. When he was considering joining Grey Daze, at the beginning of this year, my dad asked me whether I thought he should join. "You're already a member of two other bands, and you have a store that depends on you to work often 50 hours a week. You work Tuesday through Saturday, and sometimes Sunday as well. How are you going to find time to commit to the schedule of a third band?"
He assured me that the band was willing to work around his schedule. He mentioned that they offered to practice Monday evenings, which he would always be able to make. He was sure that double-booking himself wouldn't be the issue, he was unsure for other reasons. So he joined that band and quit one of his others. And has joined two more since.
You don't get to take off time from your regular job in order to work another paying gig. I firmly believe in that. If you're in a band, you have to work around your day job schedule. If you're in four bands and work 50 hours a week...well, you're pretty much fucked. I don't know, I'm just ranting at this point. It makes me really, really upset that I have to come back that Saturday and work at that hell hole. In fact, I'm going back to bed, because I'm depressed about it. Not only do I miss out on the thing I have most looked forward to (ie, being OUT of Vacaville, being on my own and starting my life again), but I have to do the thing I least like to do: work a stressful job that I have never been trained for and don't know how to do.
I've worked there a few times before and I understand that I'm under an obligation to help out my parents since they're putting me up free of rent. But I thought I was free! I tasted freedom!
No, I can't do it. I need to look for a new apartment that weekend. I need to hang out with Dan that weekend. It's my only chance to do either of those things. I'll be leaving for Boston the following weekend, and then Dan's leaving. If I am forced to do this, I might not be able to look at apartments until 1 August at the earliest. That's way too late for an August 20 move-in date. I can't do it. I don't know what they're going to do, but this isn't possible for me.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
What's green is green, and you, Guardian Council, are green
I've been following this Iran story like mad because, like my green arm band will say, I support spontaneous and organic expression of democracy at home and abroad. Also because I think Iran is a really interesting country that few people in the US know much about, and we think of it as a 3rd world country, but I think it's like a wealthy, more ordered version of Mexico. I really don't think Iran is in the 3rd world.
Anyway, a recent development over the last few days is that the Guardian Council has agreed to a partial recount. Which is, like, the stupidest thing I can think of. In order of most to least likely:
1. They say that the vote count was wrong, and Ahmadinejad still won but by a smaller margin (say, 56-39).
2. They say that the vote count was correct and Ahmadinejad's win is valid.
3. They say the vote was wrong and Mousavi won OR both candidates are below 50% so there will be a run-off.
4. They order a new election.
I read 1 as meaning "yes, we agree that someone cheated, but it really doesn't make a difference." I mean, admitting you cheated but making no real concessions is pretty damn inflammatory and I think it'll only get people more stirred up. 2 is a great big fuck you to the people of Iran, and it'll only rile them up more. 3 is a total admission of guilt and, while it might buy them more time, it ultimately tells the reformists that they can have whatever they want if they protest loud enough. It essentially gives the current system an expiration date of 2020, but leaves the current administration's fresh-saving seal open and the whole box out in the sun. And 4 is a total toss-up. I have no idea what will happen and nor does the Guardian Council. If they really didn't fix the election they can have confidence that similar results will turn up in a second vote, but they and I both know that they did fix it. I don't know what I would do if I were them, but I certainly wouldn't have done this. Oh well, I guess it just speeds up the process.
Green arm bands for all! As soon as I make mine!
Anyway, a recent development over the last few days is that the Guardian Council has agreed to a partial recount. Which is, like, the stupidest thing I can think of. In order of most to least likely:
1. They say that the vote count was wrong, and Ahmadinejad still won but by a smaller margin (say, 56-39).
2. They say that the vote count was correct and Ahmadinejad's win is valid.
3. They say the vote was wrong and Mousavi won OR both candidates are below 50% so there will be a run-off.
4. They order a new election.
I read 1 as meaning "yes, we agree that someone cheated, but it really doesn't make a difference." I mean, admitting you cheated but making no real concessions is pretty damn inflammatory and I think it'll only get people more stirred up. 2 is a great big fuck you to the people of Iran, and it'll only rile them up more. 3 is a total admission of guilt and, while it might buy them more time, it ultimately tells the reformists that they can have whatever they want if they protest loud enough. It essentially gives the current system an expiration date of 2020, but leaves the current administration's fresh-saving seal open and the whole box out in the sun. And 4 is a total toss-up. I have no idea what will happen and nor does the Guardian Council. If they really didn't fix the election they can have confidence that similar results will turn up in a second vote, but they and I both know that they did fix it. I don't know what I would do if I were them, but I certainly wouldn't have done this. Oh well, I guess it just speeds up the process.
Green arm bands for all! As soon as I make mine!
Acrola, I have the reason for her name
Where later would be the city of Acrola, before 701 there were a handful of villages around the Eram Branch of the New River. These included the major villages of Socionn and Herrob, but also smaller hamlets, like Bachre in the northeast part of what would later become the Pitt District. Socionn and Herrob were close competitors until a flood destroyed much of the latter, while the more inland former was largely spared. Socionn's ascendency began, and by the end of the seventh century they received tributes from each of the other local villages (the major market in the modern Herrob neighborhood, Herrob Dou, is where the elders of Herrob brought their dous, or tributes, to deliver to Socionn).
Socionn turned toward uniting the villages as one solid entity, and to this end they built a large north-south boulevard between Socionn and Herrob (in modern Union) in order to encourage growth between the two. The boulevard was lined with oak trees, called acrol trees in the Socionn dialect, and therefore in time became littered with acorns. It became known as the Acorol Way, taking its name from these things. Within a few decades, contrary to Socionn's desires, the united city was soon being called Acrola.
Socionn turned toward uniting the villages as one solid entity, and to this end they built a large north-south boulevard between Socionn and Herrob (in modern Union) in order to encourage growth between the two. The boulevard was lined with oak trees, called acrol trees in the Socionn dialect, and therefore in time became littered with acorns. It became known as the Acorol Way, taking its name from these things. Within a few decades, contrary to Socionn's desires, the united city was soon being called Acrola.
Circles, equations
oatmeal + peanut butter + brown sugar = love
Me: Why is there so much Indian stuff in Berkeley? Is there a large Indian community here?
Karen: Yeah, that's why there's so much Indian stuff here.
Bailey + pile of blankets = always
Anna is in Berkeley.
Me: Why is there so much Indian stuff in Berkeley? Is there a large Indian community here?
Karen: Yeah, that's why there's so much Indian stuff here.
Bailey + pile of blankets = always
Anna is in Berkeley.
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