Maybe it's the flu that's turned me into a virtual shut-in this week. Maybe it's my feeling so week and exhausted from the flu. Maybe it's because I haven't been able to exercise very much in the last two weeks. Maybe it's my brain drumming up feelings to focus on them, rather than work on homework. Either way, I feel awful, and it's not just physical.
I hate my job. I hate how my social life doesn't exist. And slowly, I'm starting to hate my graduate program. With all that, the only thing I have going for me is me. Which is to say, my long-term happiness continues to be stellar, but my short-term happiness is non-existent. There is nothing in the short-term that I look forward to. Classes are, for the most part, awful, and even in classes in which I can express my intellect, I don't feel like I'm doing anything, but instead merely practicing. I've gotten so used to creating things, to implementing things, that I had forgotten that in school, you're merely trying things and imagining things that, far more often than not, will never leave the classroom.
I feel undervalued, misunderstood, ignored, forgotten. I don't understand how I can be so miserable when I love me so much. I don't understand how I can have so much despair in my life when I am so proud of who I am. How can I be this despondent? I'm me! I love me! It just doesn't make any sense. I can't seem to make sense of life, except for temporary bright spots every couple of years.
No comments:
Post a Comment